she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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