I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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