i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
