you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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