Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation Purity has been aborted
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize