I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
