Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
