i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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