you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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