so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
