why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
