I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
