Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
