We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
