peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
