just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
