I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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