I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
