If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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