Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
