well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
