i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hate all girls vehemently.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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