So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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