I think i peed on brittanys purse
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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