I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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