did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
