Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
