im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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