Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
