how can u be prego again
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
