I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
