I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
