Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
that's an acceptable place to lick
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
