i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Can you bring me the toilet please
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
