Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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