shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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