I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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