The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
