I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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