it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
