my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
