My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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