How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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