alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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