I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had to cum in my sink.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
