If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
