good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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