I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
