You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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