This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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