Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
