youre lurking in front of me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
