I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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