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I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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