im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
