I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
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He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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