Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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