i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
