I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
