Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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