So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
