There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
